All I can think about is how happy I will be this weekend.  I keep dreaming about it.  I planned out my study schedule in painful detail last night but I haven't followed it at all because all I can think about is being with him.  It was a really necessary study plan, albeit a very idealistic necessary study plan.  I guess I'll have to work twice as hard and sleep a lot less tomorrow in order to get back on track, but... Friday.  My mind is so dead set on Friday that I can't make it do anything else but look forward to driving three hours north of here in pursuit of being stupidly happy.  I'm just skipping around on a cloud right now, so beyond tuning into reality.  This week will breeze by so quickly and virtually painlessly, because I'm pushing so hard toward the weekend that I'm letting everything slide.  I am hauling ass out of here as soon as Zimmerman puts his baton down at the end of symphony rehearsal Friday afternoon.  2pm. Friday.  I could spend this weekend in San Antonio; I miss home so much, but I miss the boy more.

Vibes.  I've always been uncomfortable with the idea of being too good of a friend to you because you send off those kind of vibes that tell me that if I were, there would be drama.  I get vibes.  I don't like getting close to people who send off drama vibes.  I wasn't OK with being the person for you to talk to last night, because I was afraid I'd get too involved and that you'd keep coming to me to talk about more nonsense in the future, and none of this shit concerns me, and it stresses me out, but I just wanted to be a good friend.  So I let you vent to me.  And I tried to be as comforting as I could be.  Because I am a good friend.
I woke up this afternoon realizing that you'd ditched our plans for the sake of the very person you were crying over last night.  Frankly, I'm more than annoyed.  So annoyed that I feel the urge to be a total bitch and start drama.  And I don't start drama.  I got those vibes, that if I talked to you at all last night, there would be drama. The last kind of drama I could have imagined appearing was drama that I would instigate myself.  That is the ugliest kind.  And you know that I am very seriously hurt and annoyed when I'm tempted to start shit.
But I am a good friend.  So just.. stay clear of me for a while.  Don't talk to me.  Don't try to explain yourself.  Just let me chill.  I wrote all of this here so I wouldn't need to go to ten million different people to vent my frustrations to, because that starts shit, and because if I were to tell it straight to you, I would end up saying something really hurtful and stupid that I don't mean, even in a private message.  So here.  I won't talk about it anymore.  I won't be starting shit.  Just give me space to chill.  And you go have your fun.   I knew I shouldn't have agreed to be your go-to friend last night.  You've made your priorities horribly clear to me already.  You obviously know who is more important to you.  I swear if I get a giant groveling apology message from you I will start shit.  So don't even try.  Time and space.  Thank you.  I just wanted you to know that I understand that you will be just as good of a friend to me as I am to you, and I guess my reluctance (although you weren't aware of this reluctance) to talk to you last night justified me being ditched today.  I deserved that.

This week will be hell in preparation for death week.  The week after that IS death week, AKA written theory exam Monday, aural skills portion Tuesday, calculus exam Thursday afternoon, chemistry exam Thursday night.  Usually, when I have a test during the week, I drop EVERYTHING and study for that test the entire week.  What am I supposed to do this time?  I'm going to absolutely die.
I'm so far behind in calculus that I have no idea what we're even learning anymore.  After the last exam we started on vectors and I was like "nah, I know this crap already," so I stopped paying attention.  Problem is, I forgot to start paying attention again, because two weeks later I found myself completely lost in the material.  I need to start learning it now.  But I don't even know where to start.
And chem... usually studying all night the night before and the afternoon of the test serves me just fine, but I CAN'T DO THAT THIS TIME.
I'm also really far behind in theory.  I have no idea what's going on.  So.  I hate school.
Elena should be coming up this weekend to engage in Halloween festivities with me here in Austin.  If that doesn't work out hopefully she'll let me know ahead of time because I'll totally leave for Fort Worth again if she doesn't come here.  I don't know if I could have a fun Halloween here without her because I'd be so intimidated by all the craziness.  Actually, I probably shouldn't go up to Fort Worth because I should really stay here to study but I really want to be up there and I got some studying done last time so I don't see why I wouldn't this time.  Also, rather than going to Fort Worth, I could go home.  That would probably be a better idea, because I don't even remember the last time I was at home.  My parents are probably going to start wondering why I'm not coming home over the weekends anymore, because I've found that I'd much rather drive twice the distance north on a free weekend than an hour and a half south to home.  I still miss home terribly, but not enough to pick it over Fort Worth.  Then, next weekend (immediately after death week) Marisa is coming up to stay with us to see what UT is all about.  And I have to make sure she has a good time.  We're going to eat pancakes at Magnolia Cafe and go to the football game, that much at least.  Then after Marisa weekend, I am heading up to Fort Worth for sure.  I should really stop talking about the next three weekends and focus at the tasks at hand: preparing for death week, and death week itself.
Ok.  I am so scared about what's about to happen to me.  Bye.